Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Humbly Human?

We repackage our lives according to our wants. An erstwhile friend wrote:As for the verbal agreement and handshake, it feels like the New South African handshake and a Zuma verbal agreement.” And he was right. Disappointment and hurt bit in his text. I felt guilty. My betrayal, my inconsiderateness, sat uneasily. I still stew. I felt ill. Yet my reaction to being called to task is reflexive; I've so many excuses! Where I grew up the consequences for actions were hardly ever worth the price of honesty! One learned to conceal, never (ever) to rat, to reveal, or to lay blame. Still, since being utterly perfect is always impossible, I’m learning to accept others' flaws too.

A verbal agreement? Oh my goodness, I actually, truly, entirely forgot about that! In my current state of predicament I sought an escape route that served me, and since I had no physical record of contractual obligations, I acted out of my own self-interest. I (unconsciously) forgot my words! No wonder he is mad at me! But, well, what of him? Is he aware that his holding me accountable impinges severely on my immediate circumstances? Yet I know it's not really him; it is me. I am guilty. (A promise is a promise.) Would he possibly accept my apology?

Yet in my time I've failed others too, in fact, failed in all of the 'deadly vices'. Even now, here in my seventh decade, I’m yet to master all moments to be 'perfect,' unconscious of intentionality as I may be.

My laziness hurts me, and others. I do not letter-write nearly as much as I should. I do not make the effort to attend social venues, funerals, meetings, or obligations as I might. Nor do I paint all the ideas that come to mind, or write down many thoughts. I all too often do not follow up on idle promises: "See you soon!" I forget some of my promises. I do not follow up on some of my momentum. I am fallible. But at least, when questioned, I'll own up, and try to make amends.

My survival instincts do not take into sufficient account the presence of others. I can at times neglect to ask if anyone else would like the last chocolate. I will take more than my share. Yet when caught, I'll do what I can to make amends, to provide for the other, to make it up to them.

My greed is too big. Because of it I have excluded others, marginalized others, seen to it that I ‘get’, even when they don't. And yes, there is in me a desire for more. I purchase things beyond my possible rate of consumption. I seek things out that I do not really need. But at the very least, when challenged about my selfish wants, I'll apologize, and offer to share, or to amend.

My arrogance can prevent me being humble enough. I grow impatient with slow talk, with idle talk, with chit-chat, with what I deem non-productive or time wasting. As such, I find those who do not offer much energy toward the exploration of life (as an alternative to a recounting of it,) of less immediate value than my own care. (Yet I do try allowing each simply ‘to be as they be’.)

Intractability occasionally creates insufficient room for me to check on myself. l can on quite rare occasions 'lose it.' Some sort of atavistic rage takes over and I simply don't give a damn about the results of my actions, such that I might swear in public, or kick a can, or even say ugly things. But I'll apologize soon as I realize it. And certainly, I will pay for any damages. If I can.

My self-satisfaction does not always consider the needs of others. At times I’ve not given the necessary consideration toward my partner, or allowed for the subjectivity of an 'other'. When treating an ‘other’ as 'object,' I’ve taken from them or acted out of my selfishness. Yet, yes, sometimes I have amended. Still, should the record be revealed, there’d be many ‘wronged’.

My deceit is horrid. Most unconscionable of all, I've lied and cheated and stolen as I still grow up, intentionally. (Small things are as guilty as bigger ones.) This is larger than unintentionally forgetting a promise! One knowingly breaks integrity. One thinks one can get away with it, but conscience, that niggle of the evolving spirit, knows there is no release until one understands not only how to stop, but to forgive the self, and all others too. Regrets? Yes; where I knew better!

A verbal agreement? It is not so good when one is imperfect. Fallible. But at least I’m learning. Caring. Wanting to make amends. I am forgiving. I am inclusive, accepting, absorbing, assimilating and integrative. I want to improve, to get more-better. I want to help. I want to be interested, to show interest, to act from care. I want to be honest and clear and sincere and authentic. I need to make mistakes, yes, but hopefully ones of oversight, not intentionality. In this case, I did not ‘intend’. That's what kind of human I am: Imperfect, always, but trying. You?

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